Developed originally from an article she wrote on "erotic intelligence,"
psychotherapist Perel's first book sets forth a thesis for today's couples
that is as revelatory as it is straightforward. Languishing desire in
a relationship actually results from all the factors people look for in
love and marriage: grounding, meaning, continuity. Partnerships are supposed
to provide "a bulwark against the vicissitudes of modern life," Perel notes,
and in one person we turn for all the emotional connections that the greater
society (church, community, family) can no longer provide. Habit and certainty
kill desire, yet how to live comfortably with the elements of unpredictability
and risk that are necessary for healthy eroticism? Perel supports her nicely
accessible work with case studies of couples both heterosexual and gay,
spanning all ages, with kids and without, in an attempt to cure what ails
their sex life. Some of the proposals Perel recommends for rekindling
eroticism involve cultivating separateness (e.g., autonomy) in a relationship
rather than closeness (entrapment); exploring dynamics of power and control
(i.e., submission, spanking); and learning to surrender to a "sexual
ruthlessness" that liberates us from shame and guilt. In short, Perel
sanctions fantasy and play and offers the estranged modern couple a unique
richness of experience. (Sept.)

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